I have heard this question many times in the last 7 months since Callia was born.
“How does it feel to be a mother?”
My heart sinks and I fight the urge to make a snappy remark. I think, ‘I HAVE BEEN a mother since 2010. Just because I had no children here with me that eyes can see doesn’t make me less of a mother.’
I think that’s one of the hardest parts of losing children, whether to miscarriage, stillbirth, infant death – the not knowing how to be a mother when there’s no little ones to hold in my arms.
Since Eliana died, so many have shared their stories with us of how they lost their precious babies. My Instagram feed and Facebook pages tell of a world of hurting mothers. I’ve come across and read many more heartbreaking stories of little ones gone too soon. And my heart goes out to every one of them – these beautiful mothers who have had to let go of a child that was a dream in their heart.
Mother’s Day has come to be one of the most difficult days of the year for me. I celebrate my babies and am so so thankful that Callia is here with us. But I also miss the children we have had to let go. I imagine Gideon, Nia, Eliana & Kai playing together as they run through the fields of heaven. I try to picture what they would look like. I wonder if I can wait a lifetime to see their beautiful faces.
This Mother’s Day I am holding in my heart all the mommas I know who are missing their babies. At the same time, I am also celebrating with all my mommy friends for standing strong as we walk this road of motherhood. Whether you’re dealing with a toddler who disobeys at every turn, a teenager who won’t talk to you or feeling the heartache of empty arms, I promise that if you allow yourself to hope that your situation will turn around, it will. Hope never fails.
To all the momma’s out there who are choosing hope this week… I see you. I’ve been there. Infertility, miscarriage and having our children pass away are among life’s most heartbreaking challenges. But I want you to know you’re not alone. Never alone.
Ask for a hug. Ask for prayer. Ask for time. Tell your friends or husband you need time with them – even if they just sit with you and drink coffee in silence. Community can save your life, literally.
Hoping again.
xo